How do you want to be? Right now, think about it.

Lively? Vibrant? Happy? And so on? There are pills for that.

How about:

Not asleep, yet not awake?

Left alone, yet not alone?

Not seen, yet not unseen?

Hidden away, yet still matter?

"Rattle my bones all over the stones".

I haven't had much to say to you since my last post.

Mostly I've been talking to myself. My brother would say, "How's that working out for you?". Well, I guess it's working out OK since I haven't posted anything since March 19. I only have some conflicts with me talking to myself. You know how you sometimes call your self 'idiot', 'moron', 'doofus' and so on when you've pulled a boner. I had a few moments today saying that stuff to myself; out loud even. But I also demonstrated that I can be the 'smartest monkey.' What in Hell is that you nutcase, you may ask.

Sleeping more, sleeping less, sleeping more or less.

I guess I have a lot on my mind because I am sleeping at odd times and odd amounts of time. As I've gotten older I've needed a lot more sleep but also have been unable to sleep as much as I need.

I have a lot on my mind that I don't know how to get out.

I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. There's so much negativity enveloping my house and that both hurts and makes me feel anger. I don't know how to deal with it. Being angry and holding on to it is not healthy and causes more negativity. I can feel it in my house and in my car and pretty much everywhere I go.

It might sound New Agey but negative and positive energy is palpable.

I need a month; a full, complete, total, thirty-one day month to contemplate my navel.

Since I hadn't been contemplating my navel, or had time to, for over three years, I ended up with a hernia. Doctor Handsome, my Internist, says to push it in gently when it sticks out too far. I've never been a fan of the outty type navels so this condition is traumatic for me.


What would I do with a full month of inny navel contemplation time? Time to waste time, time to do nothing, time to not think about anything, time to be me again. Time to just check out but not so checked out to be non-functional. I think just being 'naught' for a while would be enough.

After being naught long enough, there are things to do, but sadly that would include people to see and I'd like to avoid that, seeing people in the 31-day break from life. It's hard to be in the world without having some kind of interaction whether you want it or not.

I am experimenting right now with not being on Facebook for about three weeks. So far I have peeked at it briefly to see if people who haven't heard I'm not on it are messaging me with outpourings of worry about the fact that I am not on Facebook. I also have a site on Facebook that I have to update about once a week; see, can't be in a life without some kind of contact with someone or something.

I need a nap. Where is that stack of pillows I put over my head?

Maybe if I ate a box of chicken soup I'd feel better.

But I'm a vegetarian and don't even eat eggs, for the most part. I won't eat them by themselves but will eat some baked goods if even if there's an egg in it. Who can pass up baked goods? When I make baked goods I don't use eggs. The final product is much the same except it doesn't taste like blood.

Maybe it's blood that's giving me the blahs. For the past few weeks I've hardly been able to stay awake past seven pm. Doc Ray says, "Go to the doctor". I say, "You are my doctor". He says, "No, I mean a real doctor". What he means is a GP or Internist. I don't have one.

 

Searching for your ancestors and finding your previously unknown cousins can bring a lot of joy, even when you are not able to meet them face-to-face. I've been lucky enough to meet a few newly found cousins face-to-face and it's brought me a lot of happiness.

That said, it hurts like hell when you lose a newly found cousin. One of mine, Carole, who I never met personally passed away last week. We made our connection through a DNA test and began corresponding to find some missing links as to how we were connected.

Instead of a lot of palavering, I took a picture.