An apt title which is one of possibly many to be had during my stay at a desert luxury resort. Make up your own from the story below.

Warning: a highly critical and maybe sarcastic post follows. If you are in a bad mood you might want to stop here. Or maybe the post will give you a laugh.

It all started when I decided to rest and revitalize during the offseason in the Palm Springs region. (The offseason means daytime temperatures in the triple digits and nights in the nineties. Right now at 7:30 PM it is 102 degrees. Tomorrow is supposed to reach 111 degrees. I was all set for that so no problems there). I did have problems with the place I chose to stay: Indian Wells Resort. The grounds are lovely, well kept and peaceful but inside the hotel, it's another story.

Lucy! You got a lot of 'splaining to do!

Let me preface the story of my experience with some information of why I didn't leave: small travel budget, prepaid, non-refundable room rate. Let that be a warning to you when you travel.

I am sitting in my room with a constricted, phlegmy throat, stuffed nose, lungs that feel like a cheese grater was scraped across them and a cough because of the room pollution. It's partly smoke residue, disinfectants, and cleaners, and possibly dirty filters (mold? dust? smoke?) in the wall mounted air conditioning unit.

When I arrived dead tired after an eleven-hour drive from San Francisco, lollygagging a bit on the way down, I entered a side lobby to the resort which had two fountains with plants enclosed in a foyer; it smelled like a sewer. Then the fun began.

The first non-smoking room I was given smelled so badly of smoke that I walked in and walked out and back to the front desk. Of course, that wasn't before I noticed that the lid on the toilet tank was partially off and the toilet water was running non-stop. I jiggled the handle and it stopped (I am very environmentally conscious). A faulty toilet mechanism or lack of attention to details by the housekeeping and maintenance staff?

The second non-smoking room I was given smelled of too much disinfectant and deodorant but I was tired and didn't want to be a pain in the butt to the hotel staff. Although I took a sleeping enhancement before bedtime I got very little sleep. The AC unit was blowing up a storm and the person above me walked like an elephant. While I was almost asleep, said person stomped across the floor and went to the bathroom. Did you ever think you ever think you would be able to hear the person in the room above you urinate in the middle of the night? Thin floors I guess. BTW, although I can't say whether or not he raised the toilet seat I do know that he did in fact flush afterward.

Awakened at five AM by Stompy upstairs and gave up on sleeping although the sleeping enhancement had different ideas. It was a battle with the desire to be unconscious and not being able to be so. So it was off to the dining room for the free continental breakfast. I know what a continental breakfast is by the way. The coffee was weak and the muffin tasted like something out of a Hostess brand package; pure sugar. There was a toaster on the table with English muffins next to it. On the toaster was a taped on a note that said, "Do not toast English muffins in the toaster". Off to Starbucks I went.

I did enjoy the part of the day I spent driving around and shopping (Kohls, Marshalls, Ross and Target - just like home). I did not enjoy the part of the day when I got back to my room at  1:30 PM and found that the room right next to me was being remodeled (f***ing really?). Being the nice guy I am I asked the front desk how long they would be remodeling the room next door. I was told until 3:30 PM, which really cuts into my nap time. So I went out to the pool with my laptop and entertained myself with Facebook. After sitting by the pool for about 75 minutes and sweating buckets under an umbrella, I decided to go back to my room. I didn't empty the buckets either. Still no joy in room 109. I asked the front desk to put me in a new room, my third room in two days. 

I opened the door to room 304 and found that it did not smell as polluted as the previous two. OK, so far, so good. Then I go into the bathroom and what do I see? A bath towel with a small brown piece of schmutz on it. Granted this was a small schmutz, smaller than my pinkie fingernail; Wait! Why am I relativizing it? It was schmutz and it was brown and it was on a white towel in my bathroom. I called down to the front desk and asked for new, clean towels which were delivered quickly. The guy started walking away without taking the schmutzed towel with him. Really? I told him to take it with him and he held it by the edge. Really.

I am going to vacation one more day down here in the desert but I'm moving to a new hotel tomorrow for the one day. Will probably give the manager here an earful before I check out. Maybe fodder for a new post.